One Sunday, I was cleaning the kitchen for what seemed to be the millionth time. It was the kind of day when, the minute I had wiped off the last counter crumb, I wanted to announce, “Okay, the kitchen is clean. Who plans to make a sandwich?”
Sure enough, the final crumb had just been wiped off the counter when Joe came into the kitchen to fix Cole and himself a “sami.” Have I mentioned that Joe was the messiest man on the face of the earth? A simple sandwich could turn our kitchen into Nightmare on Roscoe Street. Joe constantly accused me of throwing out the lids to the ketchup or mayo. It took me a few years to realize that I wouldn’t throw lids out if they were put back on the condiments, to which he would respond, “Putting the lid back on was not the point, and if you were honest with yourself, you would realize it.” Really?
I could not bear to watch the Sunday demolition of our kitchen again, and so I retired to another room to read. Do you know the expression, “You can run, but you can’t hide”? I lived it. Moments later, the sound of popping broken glass and swearing exploded from our kitchen.
It seemed that a beer bottle Joe had put in the freezer for himself, and a coke bottle he had put into the freezer for Cole, had both popped at the same time. What are the odds of that happening? Does anyone know? Against my better judgment, I walked to the kitchen and witnessed glass, coke, and beer pretty much everywhere. When the Coke burst, it knocked over the pickle jar which was leaking pickles onto the floor. Joe was holding the samis like rescued hostages. Quick to take the defensive, he glared at me and yelled, “Dammit! The good knife was in the dishwasher again!”
As Joe stomped up the stairs with his two samis, leaving the kitchen in mass destruction, I sweetly asked, “Honey, what about the kitchen?” Okay, fine – I followed him up those stairs preparing to take those samis and cram them …
As we walked into the TV room, Joe quickly handed Cole his sami, and as he blocked my clawing, scratching hands, he turned, stuffed a bit of sandwich in his mouth, and yelled, “LOOK!” while pointing at the TV. Naturally, I looked, and screamed, “WHAT?”
“That’s what YOU need!” he said.
“WHAT DO I NEED?”
“I will buy you ShamWows.”
I am a sucker for, “I will buy you …” so I stopped lunging at the last bite of Joe’s sandwich to watch the ShamWow infomercial.
Maybe you’ve realized from my WD-40 story, or Poop Freeze purchase, I’m a salesperson’s dream. I watched the ShamWow infomercial and knew the only thing standing between me and happiness was a box of ShamWows. Joe bought me two boxes that day. He also helped clean up the kitchen.
The moment my boxes of ShamWows arrived, they changed my life. ShamWows hold up to 12 times their weight, just like the commercial promised. Alright, I have no idea how much weight they hold, but my point is that they cleaned up the coke, beer, martini, and pet stains. They washed, polished and shined, never leaving a scratch behind. It’s a towel, chamois and sponge – all in one! But please, don’t toss them in the dryer. Read the directions. NO DRYER. They last ten years. I would love to meet a 10 year-old ShamWow, wouldn’t you?
The other night when I could not sleep, I tuned into Woot’s Deal of the Night, and they were offering boxes of ShamWows! WOW! I was so excited; I may have been their first click. I bought them. I have a lot of ShamWows, but I’m pretty sure you can never have too many. I then fell back to sleep, counting the many ways they saved my marriage and, sadly, outlasted Joe.
Joe, it’s been a while since you dropped by.
Remember how Cole and I would do the ShamWow commercial for you?
I do. You and Cole would spill water on the floor and mop it up with a ShamWow.
And each time we did, you would clap your hands and yell, “WOW!”
We were the ShamWow family.
Katybeth, we had fun.
Yes Joe, we did.
If you would like a ShamWow, just let me know. I would love to share a little WOW with you!
Glad you were in my Odd neighborhood. Feel free to hang around with us any time. Odd Loves Company and odd loves you and you and you!! I would love to hear from you in the comment section of this blog, or on Facebook or Twitter!