Warning: This is not a very merry muse. I will return to my regularly scheduled happy in a couple of days.
My mom lost her Doberman (Rumor) today due to a sudden and brutal intestinal infection. She is, of course, heartbroken. We all are, and it triggers in me a feeling that has been gnawing at me for a while. I look at my life and see a lot of loss and heartbreak coming up and, frankly, I don’t want to do grief again. It Sucks.
When I look at ‘What’s next? in my life, there is a part of me that starts counting the people and pets I’m close to that will more than likely die before I do. I’m not certain that I won’t go first, but it is likely I will outlive my parents, older family members, and Rascal. Sure, I am destined to inherit some very nice jewelry, but even the thought of a nice diamond on my ring finger isn’t cheering me like it usually might.
What do we look forward to, now that we are middle aged? Kids go off to college. Most of us are not going to be able to afford that villa in France. Most of our buckets have a hole in them due to the sinking economy. The question is, what will make the second part of our lives worthwhile, meaningful, and exciting? If you say, family, I am going to look at you and say…Really? They are just waiting to pull the rug out from under you and die, or leave home and move a thousand miles away (sorry, Mom). Ok, maybe they don’t plan to do either of those things, but it does happen all the time and they leave you high and dry holding the short end of the stick.
Seniors (over 70) wish they could return to the age we are now with our newly minted AARP cards and warn us not to waste this time in our lives. Old age, they tell us, is not for sissies….Time is too short to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves. If we have our health we have everything.
But I do feel sorry for myself and I’m afraid, confused, and worried. I do not want to waste my last few good years feeling sorry for myself—alone, looking frumpy, with awful looking stringy hair and a chin hair or two (you would tell me if I had chin hairs, wouldn’t you?) without even a spouse to blame it all on. I am sure those of you with spouses worry that they will die and you won’t even know where the bank box key is… among other things, of course…
I feel a little guilty raining on the happiest time of the year, but I have extra seats at my self-pity tea party, and misery loves company, so maybe if you feel what I feel we can figure out what’s next together.
I realize there are lots of holes in this post….I am so sad about Rumor, and so sad for my mom, and my anniversary—which was never a big deal when i was married—is looming like a wet blanket (December 23). I did not mind not celebrating my anniversary when Joe was alive because we usually forgot to celebrate our anniversary but I don’t like not celebrating it alone. And then there is the whole “until death do us part” that makes me wonder if I should not, not celebrate at all. Just consider this post a work in progress—a random muse—which I hope you will add your two cents to because God knows it could use a little of your clarity and wisdom… Odd Loves Company.