We know she is known for her pantsuits, but her staffers say nothing makes her happier than a good handbag. “I do love a good handbag,” she agrees. Harper’s Bazaar asked her a few questions about her opinions of handbags. Can accessories be the great uniter of women? “I think they could be either a great divider or uniter,” she replied. “I’m on the uniter side. I think no one should make fun of anyone else’s handbag choices.” She warmed to the topic. “I think we should be united in our support of one another. Because [handbags are] like a deep psychological need. It’s a desire to kind of organize and contain that which is important to you in your daily life. I have a philosophical view about this, and I have this Ferragamo hot-pink bag that I adore. My view was that I would carry it around only in spring, but it makes me so happy, I’m even now lugging it around in January. I mean, how can you be unhappy if you pick up a big pink bag?” And what are some of the essentials that she carries in her hot pink handbag? Chili flakes, mineral water spray, a medical kit, mesh bags, makeup and some photographs for autograph requests. In the event her mobile device slips, buzzing into the dark depths of her tote, Mrs. Clinton is well equipped to fish it out—she also carries a miniature flashlight.
Today our expert purse panel is ready to move on to the next set of purses and share their witty insights into their purse-analities. Please snap your purses together and offer a warm welcome to our first set of reviewers, Molly Bagpipe and Dr. Clutch Cargo, who will take a look inside Nancy’s purse.
Molly Bagpipe: This pretty, practical pouch becomes a cluttered carryall for our church-going friend Nancy. Concern over her appearance (really, Nancy? Three forms of lip treatment?) competes with religious relics (three church bulletins—seriously, Nancy, what is it about the number three?). We can tell a lot about Nancy from her purse’s contents. Her kids must be past the infant stage (no pacifiers here) and the toddler stage (no cute cups of Cheerios). They must have passed the elementary school age (no stiff, cardboard-covered picture books or half-done glitter-and-glue projects) and the middle school age (no stray Legos or Pretty Princess lip gloss). But there’s the chewing gum (probably goes with all the lip treatments!), the tissue (perhaps for a tearing eye or runny nose as children speak of graduation and moving on?) and the devotional book (for praying for passed exams?). And I just know the crushed pineapple is for her dog (keeps them from eating their own waste, you know!).
Dr. Clutch Cargo: My first REACTION to the Kenneth Cole bag was, “Now there’s a comfy bag.” Not pretentious, it’s classic, versatile and one that could easily dangle from a shoulder while going about the day-to-day routine without causing further trouble. (Think easy access for viewing contents.)
The contents gave me easy access into the personality of the owner…
Three church bulletins and a daily devotional book: Obviously, this is a lady who is concerned about the spiritual side of life, and willing to take along reminders for reference throughout her busy day. Not a one-dimensional gal. Nice.
Lipstick, lipgloss and Vaseline Moisture Therapy for lips: This is a woman with a lot to say! Depending on her mood and the importance of her message, the lip cover will vary, so she is prepared with COLOR for those oh-so-important messages, or on a lazy day when only mumbling is required, just a lil’ lip therapy will do the trick!
Two hair clips and a headband: She is willing to roll up her sleeves, pull her hair back and become a hands-on gal when duty calls. (Or she has hot flashes and just needs a cooling effect…oh, wait…)
Tweezer and eyeliner: Pays attention to details.
Grocery and post office receipts: Sticks to a budget.
Easter card: Thoughtful.
Loose change: Not so frugal that she must account for every penny, but frugal enough to keep it with her.
Coupon for crushed pineapple: A woman with a plan. Crushed pineapple is never eaten alone; it’s always used in a recipe, so I know she loves to cook and is planning a nice recipe to serve to those she loves (or someone who said nice things about her in a purse review post…).
*Note: I am not a purse psychologist in real life. But I could be…
Next, Sunny Baggit and Cousin Bagbum will take a look at Joann’s purse:
Sunny Baggit: This is a mom’s purse. Not a specific mom, not your mom, not my mom…and certainly not anyone’s mother. This is a MOM’s purse. This bag says, “I’m trying to get through the day to meet the needs of five people, and I’m not one of the five.” The Kleenex is a dead giveaway. My mom always had a Kleenex in her purse. Good for everything from spills to sniffles, the Kleenex is God’s gift to mothers. It’s her way of trying to say, “Look, this is gonna get messy.” The inhaler reminds me of a mom too, although it might be hers. Lotion, gum and extra pens seem to be an indication not just of preparation, but maybe prescience (or experience). This purse gives me the kind of warm fuzzy feeling you get from seeing Scout talk to Atticus Finch. (If you don’t know what I’m referencing here, you should probably ask Satan for your soul back and see To Kill a Mockingbird as soon as possible.)
To you from all of us kids: Thanks, MOM! Can I have some gum?
Cousin Bagbum: Ahhh! What is the creepy thing with the face on it!? I can’t even look at anything else in the bag because he keeps staring at me. I can hear his old wizened voice saying, “Go ahead, judge this bag and its owner. I dare you.” Seriously, people! What is going on? I will have nightmares about his scary-ass face for weeks. How can someone walk around with this little guy in her purse? Is it her conscience? Her frugal penny-pinching banker? Her constant reminder that we all end up old and wrinkled? I don’t even think I could be in the same room as this purse. I’m afraid that little guy will open his eyes and start to flip through his pages. He looks like he could be a little notepad or something, although I’m sure I can’t even guess what he’s made out of. Anyway, he will flip through his pages and begin reciting every disappointing thing I have ever done and all the ways I’ve ever failed. I’ve decided he’s a judgmental old bastard.
I’m sorry…I know this was supposed to be about the purse, but I just can’t.
From Katybeth: Uhm—Joann, you and I are in good company. You own the little version of the notebook or coin purse “wizard,” and I own the matching purse and I love it! Here—let me show you!
I think this Cousin Bagbum might be feeling a little bit guilty about some misdeed—let’s forgive her, shall we?? (I will send her a wallet for Christmas—shhhh.)
And finally, with much ado, Lemony Bagit and Bagweiler will dive deep into the depths of Adelaide’s purse-anality.
Lemony Bagit: Okay, so you either really like cats or were tripping on acid when you bought this bag. Which one is it? I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and go with cats. In fact, you like them so much you skinned one for the top of your purse. Eeesh. Speaking of cats, you know there is an unwritten guy code about women and cats. In some places in the world I could be stoned just for mentioning this critical information out loud, but I am hoping to retain my anonymity. Anyway, the man code clearly states that the craziness of any female can be directly determined by the number of pets, and especially cats, she owns.
One cat: Typical woman-level crazy.
Two cats: Might not want to sleep over; wear two condoms.
Three or more cats: Run. RUN!!!
A dog is trickier, but the rule is clear: A dog counts as half a cat on the craziness scale.
Any other pet (snakes, raccoons, skunks, monkeys): Go straight to three-cat crazy.
Horse or fish: Marry her immediately.
Of course, guy code also says that “marry her immediately” means lengthen the engagement for as long as possible before she leaves you. You say “tomato,” I say “tomahto,” whatever.
As for the purse, it’s out there cool. It seems to be kind of opposite of other purses in that the outside looks crazy but the inside is organized. Maybe a student owns this bag, or a teacher, but it’s someone very organized or at least who tries to be organized. This bag looks like a party but it’s all business. It’s the opposite of a mullet hairstyle on men. A mullet is business in the front, party in the back; this purse is party on the outside, business inside. It’s a TELLUM.
Nice bag! Pet the cats for me.
Bagweiler: This is the bag of a wannabe adventurer! I see a woman who is always ready to fly away in a hot air balloon, a wild thing who longs to roar along in a safari jeep deep in the bush of Africa. One wonders what is holding her back…the bag is clearly anchored with heavy notebooks and reading material. Wait—could that be animal hair clinging to her purse? Are those chew marks hidden in the busy fabric? Do pets tug on the heart of this adventurer, keeping her from straying too far from home? A home that runs amok more often than not? Is she writing down names of the places she will travel in those notebooks…or making lists of pets sitters, pet walkers, pet-friendly campsites, holistic animal chiropractors, and contact numbers for part-time jobs to help her support her ever-growing family of priceless precious furs?
I am willing to bet that Adelaide’s wild side is more often than not spent on the couch nuzzled between man and beast…and she wouldn’t have it any other way.
Thank you, reviewers! Your reviews went beyond my wildest imagination tonight. I hung on your every well-written, clever word! The staff at Odd is applauding you purse-fusely! Odd readers, we will see you back here tomorrow night for our last night of What’s Your Purse-anality! Please add your thoughts, opinions and pithy observations by leaving a comment below—Odd Loves Company!
♥~ Molly Bagpipe: If you liked Molly’s review why not click on over to her blog and visit with the someone who thinks life is too short not to be Irish! Musings by an ND Domer’s Mom
♥~ Dr Clutch Cargo: Dr. Cargo only occasionally does blog calls but is available at her blog 24/7 so click on over and say hi! Matter of Fact (Dr. Clutch Cargo is not her real name….)