Everyone Poops – But Where?

by on July 20, 2016

 unicorn-poop-cookies

Disclaimer: I love Cousin Craig. I invited him to write for Odd. I think he is funny (both ha ha and you know… funny,) but I take no responsibility for what he writes. None. His words and thoughts are all his. I am the odd but nice one.

#

My Odd Family – Dilemma

Well, I’m stumped, and something needs to be decided and decided quickly!

I’m here at the mall in the year of our Lord 2026, and I can’t find the bathroom. Let me restate that: I can’t find the right bathroom. I was in the food court enjoying what was once some kind of Chinese food. I never ask what’s in it. All I know is that the Chinese food place is never more than a block from the vet. Anyway, my Doberman delight was spicy and tangy and almost edible. After a few minutes I could feel the food-like lump hitting my stomach. That’s when I got my first notice.

“Brain, this is the Stomach. You need to start looking for a bathroom.”

“Is the situation critical?” replied Brain.

“No yet; this is just an advisory that conditions are setting up for a gastrointestinal emergency—a.k.a. shit storm.”

“Roger that, Stomach. Keep us advised.”

I began to look and almost immediately saw the sign for the restrooms, but unfortunately these were the transgender bathrooms. You can tell because the little logo for the transgender women has a dress bottom but also big shoulders and an Adam’s apple. The logo for the transgender men has the male bottom but boobs breasts on top. Obviously, I couldn’t use those bathrooms. I looked down the main stretch and saw in the distance a sign for restrooms. I made for them as I received my second notice.

“Brain, this is Stomach. That soda you drank is giving the colon a caffeine kick. This situation is developing quickly. We need to find a bathroom.”

“We’re on the way, Stomach. E.T.A. five minutes to splashdown.”

“That’s good news. We’ll keep you posted. This could be a bad one.”

I approached the restroom area and was beginning to feel only the first pressure developing. Then I saw it, and as my heart sunk, my sphincter tightened. This was the gay bathroom area. The little man and woman logos were normal, but they both had rainbows over them. I tried to decide which one I identified with without success. I guessed I was a lesbian, since I’m attracted to women, but thought it was best to just keep on looking. 

I asked a security guard who noticed and appeared to sympathize with my state of urgency. He directed me past the food court all the way to the other end of the mall. I made for that location POSTHASTE.

Have you ever tried to walk quickly while holding your butt cheeks firmly together? It’s two forces working against one another. I had an unstoppable force brewing, and I was trying to create an immovable block at the exit. The third notice arrived.

“Brain! What the hell is going on up there? We are going critical, I repeat, CRITICAL.”

“Hold on, Stomach! We are making for a usable restroom as you receive this message. E.T.A. three minutes!”

“I’m giving her all I can, Brain. I hope it’s enough!”

I burst into the restroom area and couldn’t believe my eyes. These were handicapped restrooms. I was willing to throw caution and a bit of methane to the wind. I tried both doors, but they were locked. A security guard came over and reminded me that these facilities were reserved for the handicapped mall occupants. I explained, between deep, calming breaths, my situation.

“Well,” he said, “we’ve got the family restrooms upstairs, the special needs children’s restrooms down by the play area, and the senior citizen rest area over by the wheelchair rental. Any of those fit the bill?”

I shook my head, no longer able to open any orifice without losing control of all of them.

“Hmm” was his only response.

Left without any further options, I made for the center of the mall.

“Brain, we’re losing it. He’s gonna blow!”

“I know, Stomach. I know. God help us all.”

In the center of the mall was a large fountain. As I approached, I heard the running water and squirted a bit before I regained control. I finally made it and walked right in. Squatting in the corner, I just letting go. I pooped, I peed, and I cried a little at the relief. My nose ran, I think because it didn’t want to be left out of this full-body voiding. I squatted over one of the fountain sprays, using it as a bidet. As I made my way out of the now murky fountain, I could see the mall security forces approaching from all sides. I didn’t care. I held my head high. I had respected the rights of all people, and at least in that, I could be proud.

“The police are on their way, pal. You’re in big trouble.”

“I couldn’t hold it anymore! Take me away and book me for public indecency,” I exclaimed.

“This isn’t public indecency,” said the officer. “This is a hate crime.”

“A HATE CRIME?!”

“You bet,” he said. As he placed my hands in cuffs, he motioned up toward a sign I hadn’t seen.

It read “Rest Area Reserved for Fish, Mermaids, Mermen, and Unicorns.” As I looked more closely, I could see that the fountain had been marked into four distinct areas to provide for each, complete with logos too bizarre to even describe. I guessed that my . . . transgression had been in the unicorn area.

“But there’s no such thing as unicorns!” I yelled. “I’ve never seen one!”

“And you never will if you keep shitting in their toilet.”

#

I’ve had this feeling of desperation a few times, have you?

Odd Loves Company

{ 17 comments }

Campo

Cousin KatyBeth is the ODD but nice one with final editing privileges, just to put all the cards on the table. Just consider anything you read that is either crass, rude, or just not funny to be her part of the post. I would NEVER offend anyone and have “the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein” to quote a great English philosopher named Henry Higgins.

Katybeth

First my name is spelled Katybeth. One word. AND CC pouts, and vehemently disagrees when I edit. He’s a sensitive soul which doesn’t always come through in his pontificating. Which he more or less admits when he quotes the great Henry Higgins. AND every word of this post is directly from him. I will only admit to deleting a couple words that came under the heading TMI.

Campo

Sorry, but KTBeth, Kaytibeth, Kati Beth, Katy Beth, and KBissle all seemed like fun alternatives! Hope your laughing because I fear the women of our family.

Lynn

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Except to say I loath pictures on bathroom doors along with with descriptions like Cowboys, Buckaroos, Cowgirls, Pirate, Wench, Queen, Kings and well you get the picture.

Campo

It’s just a lot of silliness. We only need one bathroom- after all, everybody poops.
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Steve Wright

Wow, I thought I was the only who suffered the backlash of Doberman delight. I don’t feel so alone now. Thank you.

Campo

At least we stayed away from the pekingese parfait for dessert!
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Katybeth

You amuse. At least you amuse me. Steve?

Mike

I am so glad I had kids during a time when my biggest worry when I took my kids out was finding a nice lady to accompany my daughter into the ladies room.
My daughter was trying to explain to me some of the transgender issues not to long ago and while I think of myself as opened minded she made my head spin. I think we have more to worry and talk about then making sure everyone has a their own spot to poop. On the other hand if you are a man who identifies with being a women…never mind. Hopefully these problems will be ironed out by 2026. Until then I am going to stay away from food courts and not over think it. Best part is this made me laugh.

Campo

YES! I am glad you laughed, because that’s all this foolishness is really about. Just smiling for a few minutes of the day has to be a good thing, right? As for separate bathrooms, they make me laugh a bitter, raspy, laugh of disgust. Everyone should do their business in the same area despite race, color, sex, sexual orientation, sexual identification, religion, country of origin, or whether your going #1 or #2. Except for dentist – I’m a rabid anti-dentite.
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Diane

I am dying over here. KB you are brave to post this and your cousin is very funny.

Campo

KTB is quite brave. My funny is more of a matter of perspective. I believe that if you look at something the right way, no matter how tragic, it can be funny – even, and especially, myself. Thanks for reading!
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Talia Grant

As a “man who identifies as a women.” My solution is to try to avoid those shit storms and hold it until I get home.

Campo

That is a shame. I think everyone should enjoy the same rights, privileges, and obligations. You are a valuable member of our melting pot. To bad some folks think they are “more equal than others”. I hope things change, and maybe if all of us just try to be more tolerant in our little corners of the world things will get better. Thanks for reading!

P.S. I never actually pooped in a fountain. Well . . . only once . . . and I was really drunk.

2P.S. That was a joke – Never pooped in a fountain – Thought about it, never did it.
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Debbie

So we’re still going to be having these issues in 2026, huh? Seems like modern medicine should have ironed them out by then…or that restaurants should have “eliminated” whatever it is they put in dishes to cause this sudden urge to eliminate!!
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Campo

I hope the silly problems disappear first, but maybe you have stumbled onto the real solution. If nobody poops, nobody needs a separate restroom. It’s genius~! Problem solved.

I actually quit pooping once, for about a month. After the first few days it wasn’t that hard . . . but I gained a lot of weight and took up smoking to compensate so it wasn’t a great trade. You think I’m full of @#it now? You haven’t seen anything yet!
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Campo

Also, lovely poem! Well done!
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