Coke Life. The Atrocity!

My brand betrayed me. Unbeknownst to me, they bottled a new type of Coke and put it not next to, but in front of, my precious little Cokes on the grocery shelves. I actually had to push the ugly green carton aside and reach back for my six-pack of little bottles of goodness. Out of loyalty to Coke, I immediately stocked the shelf properly. Little Cokes in front, little bottles of Sprites to the left, little bottles of Diet Coke one shelf up, and the gross green Coke Life bottles on the very bottom shelf. Once this was accomplished, I took a deep breath and pulled up a monster throw-up-green carton of Coke Life to read the ingredients.

Coke Life is not the real thing. The green-tinged, swamp-colored stuff in the bottles is sweetened with cane syrup and stevia.* Coke is sweetened with high-fructose corn syrup. Mexican Coke is sweetened with sugar. Stevia is the best of the worst of artificial sweeteners. It’s calorie free and comes from a plant, so it is considered a natural sweetener—but let us not forget that arsenic is found in nature, too.

Coca-Cola embraced its own redness back in the 1980s with this slogan: Red, White and You. Coke Life packaging is pukey green. I read that some branding morons think “green’s got game.” Green’s got game if you are spending it, having a picnic on it, or celebrating St. Patricks Day—not drinking it from a bottle. The green logo is supposed to connect you to the stevia plant. Get real, Coke! Green looks sick.  And what about the “Life” insult? Is Coke saying that my beloved red-packaged, real-sugared Coke is the opposite? Am I now drinking Coke Death? (Don’t answer that.) REAL Coke is my thirst’s best friend.

I have no idea how this repugnant Coke Life tastes. Nor will I ever. I’ve read that it tastes almost identical to real Coke. Propaganda, I’m sure. I’m pretty sure the most exciting thing about this product for those willing to try it is that it has a third fewer calories than your standard red-label Coke, and it also has less sugar. If you like fake butter, you might like Coke Life.

Odd readers, I will close with these final words: You can’t beat the real thing! Say NO to Coke Life. And if you’ve already tried it, well, what did you think? 

Odd Loves Company,

* Full disclosure – the drink itself is not green. It looks dark green in the packaging at an arms distance, as close as I will ever get to the stuff. 

I may also harbor some left-over angry and fear that lingers back to New Coke.  Remember New Coke?? Don’t call something Coke if  it’s not Coke. Create a separate brand for it, if you must.