Musings: Today in Our History Sucks!

Let’s muse over a pitcher of margaritas

and some guacamole.

I will, of course, be drinking a little ice cold Coke because that was the way it always was.. .

Joe died two years ago today, at 11:00 in the morning. It still sucks.

Last night, together with a good friend, I toasted Joe. I ordered a Pomegranate Martini for the occasion, and she had a Beefeater martini with two olives. We laughed a lot.  She asked me what I missed most about Joe.

I miss his bearded face rubbing against mine.  I miss his after-shower fountain poses (don’t ask for more detail). I miss the ridiculous attention he gave to making a sandwich and hotdog. I miss how he looked at Cole. I miss being able to take the high road, which Joe often made it easy for me to take. I miss the sound of sports playing on the radio on weekend afternoons, and sometimes, I just miss having someone to fight with over something stupid.

Cole said something to me not too long ago that left me rather breathless. He wondered why he would choose to be born into a family where the dad he loved so much would die when he was so young. What was the bigger plan for him on Earth? Wow. Right? The idea of choosing the path you follow on Earth was not a new concept for Cole – it was one Joe and I often discussed. We both took comfort in the idea that you choose to learn different lessons, to move yourself further down the karmic path, before you come back into your next life. It was our opinion that it was better to believe that you made choices about your life experiences, rather than simply having things thrust upon you. I know this can be an impossibly difficult and painful concept, and I am not suggesting you look at life this way. It has, however, transformed Cole and me from feeling like victims of a sudden and unfathomable death of someone we loved beyond belief into a more satisfying relationship with Joe and each other.

This past year was hard. The numbness wore off and Cole and I became painfully aware of what ‘forever after’ meant, and yet, we both still harbored the feeling of disbelief that I think might always live inside us. Cole sometimes looks at families that include both a mom and dad and I can see how much he misses being a family of three.  Without hesitation, he will tell you that he had the best dad ever. Not too long ago, he told me that he was fortunate to still have the best mom ever. I cried.

People ask me frequently if I plan to date or marry again. This question always makes me smile. Like one morning you wake up and say. “Today is the day that I declare myself available again.” Right now, I am busy running a business, a home, and giving a teen my full attention. If, someday, someone comes along who thinks he might be Mr. Right, I hope he sprays me with a water hose because otherwise, I might never look at him twice. Relationships are impossibly hard work. I know. Worth it? Once, yes. Again? I’m not sure.

Cole’s grade school teacher sent me this picture today as well as card that reminded Cole and I of all the wonderful things she remembered about Joe and how he would always be an important part of her life. We gave her Joe’s hat-the one he always wore on the many class trips he helped chaperone.

As Cole and I continue traveling our life path, we take a lot of heart in knowing we also chose a path that includes family, friends near and dear who love and support us, and Facebook. Facebook? Yes, Facebook friends have kept me company and sane from my first status update posted the day after Joe died.

Okay. Can I just tell you, as I am floundering trying to wrap up this two-year Joe anniversary update, that the song Joe played most often and drove me most crazy with just came on the radio, “Knocking on Heavens Door.” It was also playing at the Starbucks that I stopped into today; my drink was complementary due to a slight delay.

Cheers to the spirit of Joe. We miss him like crazy and will love him forever.

And the song Joe and I considered “Ours.”

8 thoughts on “Musings: Today in Our History Sucks!

  1. I agree with your idea that we are on a path – though sometimes it is very difficult and things happen that make us ask “why?” I have no answers. I wish I did. I think Joe’s life path brought him to you and hence gave him Cole to bring him many life lessons and to have many years of happiness….and to experience love like he never had before….one kind with you, another with Cole.

    • Kb and Cole,
      Sending many hugs and much love on this anniversary. You inspire me and so many around you in boundless ways. Tonight, reading your musing, I am inspired by Cole’s question and ponderings. My father died when I was five, some 40 years ago, there is no doubt that this has informed and shaped my life in many ways. Cole’s wise question places loss in a larger context and welcomes possibility alongside the longing and the missing. Thank you for your wisdom and grace. Love and joy to your beautiful family. And cheers to Joe, who seems to be all around! Careful Kb, he just might pick up that water hose and spray you!
      Judy K

  2. I’m speechless. Your strength amazes me. I can’t help not to cry reading this post. I don’t know Joe but through your story I feel like I do and I can only imagine how cool he is in person. I pray for you and Cole. For strength and comfort you’ll find in each other. I might not be there personally, but I’ll be there in spirit, laughing at your jokes, cry with your sorrow… sending you virtual hugs!! This sound cliché but hang in there.

  3. We all look at life from a different perspective. I believe it is the design of our Heavenly Father to join two people in love and to bless that union with a third person sometimes with more than just one. A most perfect combination of the two people is the result.

    The Almighty set the path and then we are given free will to make our mark. To choose good over evil, perfect over imperfect.

    This little blog has allowed me to see the gifts of the Almighty. To see first hand the blessed marriage or union. To see the offspring of that perfect union. To see the ever evolving youth plodding through his journey gathering strength from love. The father is so pleased that His perfect and most deliberate design has succeded! The scriptures say ” knock and the door shall be opened” clearly Joe knocked and chose a song to commemorate the occasion.

    May God continue to bless your little family and may His most amazing light and presence continue to guide you down the jouney or path in His mighty name I pray.

  4. KB, I can sympathize and empathize with you on this anniversary. Even now, 30 some years later, I ask the question of Why? I have some answers, but not enough. There is never enough. I remember this day well because Joe was one of the instrumental planners of the Ferd’s “get-together” being planned for 2 nights hence. The emails flew between us classmates, the stunned disbelief, the tears. Tooch gave a well deserved speech that night. We all toasted Joe, and cried. We all agreed it was unfair, and it still isn’t fair. It never is. It is amazing how they are still with us though. Through the song, the thoughts, the everyday things that happen. I am coming up on 30 years this Sunday. I know that I too will hear “the song”. I have no reason to doubt I won’t I have all these years on the anniversary, or when things laid me flat, or when I asked “why”. The sadness never goes away, but it does get easier. It does. Hold tight to the memories. You will love him forever, no matter where your path continues to lead you. Joe was instrumental in laying Cole’s path from birth, you are now seeing him through that path, but you aren’t alone. Joe is still with you both, and always will be! Hugs {{ }} and much love. Know you have friends, family, and of course FB, who will help you on your journey. xoxoxo

  5. Oh Katybeth…I’m so sorry you and Cole are having to go through this! I’m glad you both continue to hold onto your memories of Joe, and that that they will comfort you…


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