This past weekend I made a trip to Topeka, Kansas. As I left the Kansas City airport, I noticed a lot of gift shops carrying t-shirts and hoodies that read, “Nothing Tips Like a Cow.” Really? Honest to God, I had never, ever considered tipping a cow.
My friends on Facebook were somewhat useful when I asked, “What do you know about cow tipping?”
Adelaide answered first, “There must not be much in the way of entertainment in Topeka.” Adelaide is from the thriving metropolis of Albuquerque, New Mexico!
Julianne explained that her son studied cow tipping in his college town of Iowa. Her son told her that since he played football, it was a required form of training. She was smart enough not to buy that bull!!
Teresa, who always takes the psychological angle, commented, “The question one could pose is, ‘Why wouldn’t they?’”
Joann is much more practical and said simply, “Because they can.”
Hawk offer a scientific reason for cow tipping. “Cow tipping is a time-honored tradition of non-action. Most of its adherents are more consumed with the drinking of beer (or in some cases, Coke) and the passing of gas than the actual act of “cow tipping,” because, quite frankly, more than 95% of the time there are no actual cows present to tip, and the remaining 5% of the time, the cows are not roughly handled. In point of fact, not handled at all because of the importance of the aforementioned beer and/or soft drink consumption. I hope this has cleared up a few things. I am now off to make preparations for my own High Cow Tipping Ceremony to be held at my home this evening. Am I milking this too much?”
Half of us thought he was, and half of us thought he wasn’t.
Cynthia suspected that cow tipping was similar to watching submarine races.
Dona explained that cow tipping wasn’t bull, but most of the time a bull lived in the pasture with the cow. Even kids that were piss-ant drunk were smart enough to stay out of the pasture and away from the bull.
I was not cowvinced that my Facebook friends had the real poop on cow tipping, so I went out into the pasture to do a little investigative reporting – Cow Tipping: Fact or Fiction?
Dona and Jullianne were right! There really is a rural pastime called cow tipping, which is favored by liquored-up country kiddies with nothing better to do on a Saturday night.
Having established that cow tipping was not a lot of B.S., I was interested in some cow tipping tips. First, I watched this video:
I wrote down some key cow tipping points. After all, if you are going to tip a cow do it right or don’t do it all.
- Be really young, really stupid, and really drunk.
- Drive with a half a dozen of your most brainless friends (the one driving should be the sober, smart one in the bunch) to some nearby farmer’s field.
- Learn to recognize a cow. This is important. Real important. The best description I read came from Billy Sue in Montana. “A cow is a cow and a bull is a bull. A bull has one thingy hanging down under its belly and at the other end is a delicacy called Rocky Mountain oysters that some of our kin in the Ozarks like. A cow has four thingies called teats that are attached to a large bag called an udder. You only want to try to tip a cow. Look first, because if you try and tip a bull you will give new meaning to the words Holy Cow!”
- There are two tippers – usually the fastest and dumbest ones in the group – who climb over the fence, sneak up on a snoring cow, push the cow, and then run like hell.
- Watching a cow tip over is apparently the sort of Zen experience that only those with higher cowsciousness can properly appreciate.
Now there are those who say this is all a bunch of bulloney.
- Two researchers (there’s a grant for everything) from University of British Columbia did some calculations and figured that tipping a cow would actually take a lot more force than a couple of sloshed jocks could generate. Specifically, it would require 4.43 people to push the cow’s center of mass past the point of no return. In other words, it’s technically possible, but a lot of work.
- Cows don’t sleep standing up. (I knew that!) In any case, another option might be to sneak up on a cow that was lying down and roll it over!
- Cows push back. Well, can you blme them? They just brace their four legs against the dim-witted two-legged human and push back. The cows then laugh at how easy it is to tip the scales on a stupid human.
- Cows don’t just stand in the pasture like inanimate objects holding signs that say tip me, tip me, tip me. One can easily imagine them kicking, running, jumping, or charging – sending a tipster flying over the fence head first.
Before I clicked my ruby red Keen sandals, said there is No Place Like Home and boarded my Southwest flight, I stopped at the airport gift shop and bought Cole a cow tipping t-shirt.
Cole immediately put on his new t-shirt, grinned, and said, “Don’t I just look bullish?”
For everyone’s sake, I hope everyone just lets ol’ Bessie be
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