Ice Cream Bread From Hell


Sisters and Brothers of the Internet,

I am not a pretender when it comes to cooking. I fully admit my shortcomings and my failures, and I’m often humbled before those that can cook a tender pot roast. Hallelujah! Each night, before I fall asleep, I double bless the great cooks that grace my life and offer me their hands in faith as I learn to sauté carrots. Amen!

I walk the righteous cooking path, seldom straying beyond bacon, enchiladas, chicken breasts, and chocolate chip cookies, No sir, I am not swayed by Coq au vin or homemade angel food cake recipes. I know and accept that I am destined to live my life with pasta that will never be al dente. Praise be to the pasta cooks!

However, this past weekend I was led into temptation by an Internet recipe for ice cream bread. I was swayed by how easy the recipe looked (only two key ingredients) and the pictures of golden brown bread. I was led to the grocery story by the recipe, where I bought the suggested cartons of the finest Chunky Monkey, Rocky Road, and strawberry ice cream. Before starting the cooking process, I allowed the ice cream to melt naturally and then slowly mixed in the name-brand self-rising flour. Pure of heart, I poured the bread into tenderly prepared loaf pans and put them in the oven, one by one, with absolute faith. Hallelujah!

At the chime of the oven timer, I opened the oven and was engulfed in the glory of golden brown loafs of ice cream bread. The bread had risen. I was a true believer. As I waited for the bread to cool, I looked forward to singing its praise on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Pride, my friends, comes before downfall. Amen!

The bread cooled, and I reverently sliced a piece of Chunky Monkey ice cream bread. Joyfully, I brought the forkful to my mouth and was instantly assaulted by the taste of rotten bananas smothered in chocolate. My ravished taste buds immediately screamed, “Spit it out!”

My faith slipped a notch as I eyed the Rocky Road bread. However, God is merciful and the prodigal son (who will eat anything) came home hungry. Faithful to anything chocolate, he plunged a generous fork full of bread into his mouth; immediately his eyes rolled back into his head, and a gagging sound came out of his mouth as he savagely spat the bread in the sink. He looked at me accusingly but accepted my astonishment that something made with chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts could be that beastly.

Filled with more brimstone than faith, I picked up the knife and sliced the loaf of strawberry ice cream bread. Perhaps I was blessed with persistence, because it was just awful and not tongue-clawing bad. Praise the Lord!

Sisters and Brother, let my story serve as a reminder to the Internet faithful that ice cream cannot be made into our daily bread. Let it lead you away from the temptation to make your own pistachio ice cream bread, and, with all my heart, I hope it delivers you to your favorite carton of ice cream and a spoon. Amen.

ice cream


20 thoughts on “Ice Cream Bread From Hell

  1. SINNER! REPENT! Never make ice cream bread again and pray for those that do!

    (this was hilarious, thank you for saving me!)

    Your Sister In Faith….

  2. Thanks for testing the ice cream bread recipes..I was tempted to try them because they sounded so easy .
    The ice cream bread results were that bad ??? Yuk.. 🙁

    • Well, for the sake of a good story I might have exaggerated a tad. However, if Cole won’t eat something—we can assume the Rocky Road bread was worst than either of us can imagine!

    • I am usually pretty careful…its the cooking sites that nab me! Must be the no good lying pictures. In the future, I am reading all the reviews!

    • Well, you would rightly assume it recipe…I always think it is probably me…this recipe only had two ingredients tho…Do you think the internet lies to us?

  3. When we accept our limitations, life is better for all around. I never would have attempted ice cream bread. Ice cream and bread are two different food groups (unlike chocolate and anything!), and they don’t belong together. I see you’ve learned your lesson — at least you didn’t poison yourself or Cole! I’d probably tear up that recipe and never try it again; of course, you could have sung its praises and perpetuated the myth!!

    • I agree, but I haven’t… not really… I’m just to much of a Why Not person….I will usually try anything once, or twice, or three times. I might not be all that bright. However, I could never lead my friends astray. I must call ice cream bread what it is…Bad.
      Speaking of poisoning I almost poisoned Cole this week. Everything in the fridge seemed to survive the power outage since we did not open the door to the fridge. While my hearing isn’t great, I have the nose of a blood hound, so I was pretty sure I could smell bad. But I was a little off.. I made Cole a bagel with Lox and cream cheese and he informed later that while he had eaten most of it (that’s my boy) he thought keeping it another day would be a mistake. I pitched it.

    • The idea sounds terrible?? Really?? I loved the idea, but the bread was terrible. Maybe something is wrong with me….Nah.

  4. I am so glad you lived to write the tale. It seemed too easy to be good so I am glad you were the tester and not me. I haven’t had a total fail for awhile but I do remember Banana Hunk and Strawberry Rock as two of my epic fails. It happens to everyone.

    • It does! It seems to happen to be more often than most, tho. Maybe because I cook before I think…from now on I am posting new recipes on Facebook and taking an opinion poll..Yes, No…..Strawberry Rock?? Is there a link?

  5. Please, please don’t poison my Grandson!!!
    Ice Cream bread doesen’t even sound good to me. It looked very nice, consol yourself with that, and we all know that’s what really matters!

    • Exactly right. It did look very good. It would have been a hit at any party until some tasted it….I didn’t poison him! I know you will understand when I say they were $15.00 Lox…

  6. yeah, the picture looked good to me, too! just leave it at that. ice cream is pretty darn good on its own!

    • You know you are so right! Presentation is everything and ice cream is good all on it’s own!

  7. Funniest thing I’ve read all week! Thank you. Just finished exams with my nursing students and reeeeaaallllly needed a good laugh. Recipe deleted!

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